Jody’s Blog . . . a life after chronic fatigue syndrome

 
The weather has turned cooler and overcast these days. Summer is over.
 
It seems every year that in the change of seasons from summer to fall, I experience some downturn. Some years have been worse than others. This fall so far has been, I think, the gentlest one in over a decade.
 
I haven’t gone out even for a walk, in over a week. That has something to do with windy, rainy weather. It also has to do with a lower level of energy. And a recent reminder of how much I don’t like to crash. So I am playing it safe at present.
 
Unlike other autumns, though, I feel some … contentment with this quieter life. I don’t really feel a desire to go uptown, for instance. To do the grocery shopping. To scan the streets for someone I know.
 
The loneliness is not nearly what it was such a short time ago. That has everything to do with having formed friendships on the net, and with having some work online as well.
 
I no longer fear that if I disappeared, nobody would notice. I no longer believe that if I were to vanish, nobody would come to look for me.
 
This is a source of contentment for me.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

The weather has turned cooler and overcast these days. Summer is over.
 
It seems every year that in the change of seasons from summer to fall, I experience some downturn. Some years have been worse than others. This fall so far has been, I think, the gentlest one in over a decade.
 
I haven’t gone out even for a walk, in over a week. That has something to do with windy, rainy weather. It also has to do with a lower level of energy. And a recent reminder of how much I don’t like to crash. So I am playing it safe at present.
 
Unlike other autumns, though, I feel some … contentment with this quieter life. I don’t really feel a desire to go uptown, for instance. To do the grocery shopping. To scan the streets for someone I know.
 
The loneliness is not nearly what it was such a short time ago. That has everything to do with having formed friendships on the net, and with having some work online as well.
 
I no longer fear that if I disappeared, nobody would notice. I no longer believe that if I were to vanish, nobody would come to look for me.
 
This is a source of contentment for me.

Saturday, September 26, 2009   
 
It’s my birthday today. I am now 54 years old.
 
And still recovering from CFS. Both in the long term (17 years and counting) and in the short term, from a crash that started about a month ago.
 
I had been hoping that with better health this year, that this couldn’t happen anymore. And now I know. It not only can happen, it can usher in all the old symptoms with all the old intensity.
 
Horrifying. Stopped my life in its tracks once again.
 
But the difference this time, has been that I have had breaks in the symptoms each day, sometimes only an hour here or there, other times I’m good most of the day, just get worn out and fragmented after too much activity and not enough rest.

“Too much” just happens to take a lot less than it did, and “not enough” means I need way more rest than I’ve been needing most of this year.
 
So! I have learned a valuable lesson once more. It is still possible to fall off of this cliff. I will try to be more aware and respectful of my very real limits. Again.
 
For the present, I am planning on enjoying my 54th birthday.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

September 3rd marked Ncubator’s 4 month milestone. And then I had a crash.

We chronics use this word to indicate an ugly relapse into old symptoms, lasting anywhere from a few days to a few weeks … to months … to years … depending on the crash.

You never know till you come out of one, what severity or length of recovery time you’re looking at.

I guess I would term this one a bounce, rather than a crash. Symptoms will lift considerably for awhile, say a few hours, and then descend to crush once again.

The upswings are lasting longer. I have cut way back on activity for now, even my beloved writing.

Live to rise up another day.

Monday, July 27, 2009

How does a wealthy man get, and stay, wealthy?
 
He doesn’t do it by spending everything he has.
 
Bingo, CFS’ers, Push-Crashers. All you really need to know about the role of rest and regeneration. In a nutshell.
 
If you keep spending your energy, … well, it’s gone, isn’t it.
 
It makes a difference this resting thing. This irritating going to bed thing. This laying back when you’re dying to get a-move on.
 
You’re presently living in a form of deficit and you need to get out of the red, into the black.

Monday, July 20, 2009