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Willing to Rest for now

 
The weather has turned cooler and overcast these days. Summer is over.
 
It seems every year that in the change of seasons from summer to fall, I experience some downturn. Some years have been worse than others. This fall so far has been, I think, the gentlest one in over a decade.
 
I haven’t gone out even for a walk, in over a week. That has something to do with windy, rainy weather. It also has to do with a lower level of energy. And a recent reminder of how much I don’t like to crash. So I am playing it safe at present.
 
Unlike other autumns, though, I feel some … contentment with this quieter life. I don’t really feel a desire to go uptown, for instance. To do the grocery shopping. To scan the streets for someone I know.
 
The loneliness is not nearly what it was such a short time ago. That has everything to do with having formed friendships on the net, and with having some work online as well.
 
I no longer fear that if I disappeared, nobody would notice. I no longer believe that if I were to vanish, nobody would come to look for me.
 
This is a source of contentment for me.

Posted: under July, 2009.
Tags: change of seasons, contentment, crash, downturn Comments (0)

With winter comes hibernation

Sunday, January 3, 2010
 
In the winter months, CFS seems to close in on me in a way that was not happening during the warmer months.
 
I am not as ill as I was last winter, but the day to day habits of my life become more closed in and insular.
 
While I don’t have the distressing neurological symptoms from before, my energy level is lower. And I find that a certain … hibernation mode seems to be what comes naturally. I liken it to the flowers and trees that cease to bloom; the animals that go to their nests; even my cat spends more time in the house sleeping.
 
I try to view this as a time of rest, waiting for the renewal of spring. Conserving energy, regenerating, resting.
 
It is a bit frightening, as it looks to me at times like I am failing at life. The strides forward of last spring and summer are mostly put on hold for now. I don’t go out. I don’t spend time on the phone. I don’t have a desire to do any of these things.
 
But I remind myself that this hibernation, the time spent in bed reading again — something I left behind last summer because I was busy with other things — is from choice this time rather than necessity. It is so that I will have the needed energy for my freelance writing, for my friends on my forums, for my family. And it is so that when the warm weather comes again, I will be ready for it …

Posted: under July, 2009.
Comments (0)

 

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