I Don't Look Sick

I don't look sick.
If you saw me on the street, you would not see any indication that my health is not good. You might even think I look very good "for my age".
And lately, I am out most days, buying groceries, running errands, going to the library. I drive a car myself (though a few years ago I couldn't), I walk at a leisurely pace (because moving too fast is too tiring and my vertigo can knock me over if I don't take my time). But this all looks normal to the casual observer.
Except it's not.
Nobody but my family sees me during a bad day or a 2 month crash. I may spend all day in bed, or out of bed but swathed in my old housecoat, under a quilt in the living room. Or I might even get dressed, but spend a good deal of time alone in the quiet, on my bed, awake or asleep.
As my health improves I have more and more periods of semi-normalcy in my day. But that house of cards rests squarely on the rest periods that I still need. And, I need them. Two days like a regular person and I would be buzzing like a beehive and touched in the head. Again.
One of the reasons I am on the net writing is because I can't hold a regular job. Writing can be done at home, in my own time. I can write alot of hours and a lot of pages, as long as I get my rest when I need it.
I could not work in a store in my town because I can't do anything (except write) for more than two hours at a time. (That is up from 10 minutes at a time, mind you.)
I could not run a cash register or hand back complicated change. I could not do a cash refund for a faulty product. I could not answer a phone, while someone else is trying to talk to me and two customers are waiting patiently in line for me. I can't stand up (unless I am walking) for more than 20 minutes before I start seriously wondering if I will fall down.
I used to watch my teenage kids getting ready to go to work at a fast-food place, wishing I could do that, go work and earn some money. My kids could do it but I could not. Embarrassing. Demoralizing. Infuriating. Not to say that fast-food work is easy. No food services are easy. I have been a waitress before many years ago.
I also used to work in a drugstore years ago. Piece of cake. I enjoyed it. But I would be completely incapable of doing such a thing today. Not even for two hours at a time.
Unbelievable, no?
Yes. Unbelievable.
But, ever so true.

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